Abusive relationships occur more often than most may think, and they masquerade in many different forms.

One in every three women will experience at least one physical assault by a partner during adulthood, the Family Violence Prevention Fund says. And physical abuse is not the only prevalent problem; one can also be abused emotionally.

Young women between the ages of 19 and 29 have the highest amounts of reported abuse, and much of it takes place on college campuses. On average, 42 percent of female college students will have experienced some sort of abuse by the time they graduate.

While less common, men are also victims of abuse.

Relationship abuse occurs in epidemic proportions and it’s important to know the warning signs.

Cathy Seasholes, a trained staff therapist at the Women’s Resource Center, offers advice on warning signs and getting help.

Warning signs

Since abuse comes in many different forms, identifying these types of relationships can be difficult. Physically abusive relationships are the easiest to identify because there has to be physical contact and harm inflicted on the person’s body.

“Violent relationships have many more dimensions than just physical abuse,” Seasholes says. It can be much more difficult to identify an emotionally abusive relationship, which can be the most damaging.

Some signs of emotional abuse are persistent put-downs or statements that diminish your worth or ability; controlling behavior; and intense jealousy of friends, family or other outside contact.

Other warning signs are yelling, shouting, intimidation, interrogating about time spent elsewhere, demanding or coercing sex, taking things without permission and not returning them, and threatening physical harm. Abuse typically alternates with declarations of love so the partner feels that there is a reason to stay.

While appearing to be powerful, abusive individuals are actually very dependent on their partners for self-esteem. Abusive partners often feel powerless in the outside world; the relationship may be the only place they feel secure. Attacking their partner’s abilities or worth is one way that they maintain this sense of security, while crippling their partner’s self-esteem.

On a deeper, emotional level abusers feel that they are not good enough and fear abandonment. By keeping their partners in a diminished, fearful or dependent state, they attempt to ensure that their partner will not leave them, creating isolation, which is a dangerous thing.

Getting help

Help is readily available for both parties in an abusive relationship, and these relationships cannot be fixed if only one member seeks help. By staying in an abusive relationship, you are condoning and enabling the abuse, and helping your partner stay sick. If your partner is unwilling to get help, the only safe course of action is to totally remove yourself from the situation and seek help on your own.

“Sometimes abuse is very obvious, but other stuff is inconspicuous. Part of controlling happens when no one else can see it,” Seasholes says.

There are many different steps to take in order to begin coping with an abusive relationship. Learn about the resources available online or in your community, such as resource centers or abuse hotlines.

You can read self-help books on what a normal relationship should be and what happens in abusive relationships, giving yourself a sort of “reality check.” You can also receive reality checks through friends in relationships. Compare your relationship to your friends’ to see if there are any apparent problems.

The most important thing to remember is not to isolate yourself. Seek help. If you feel you cannot talk to a stranger, go to your friends or family, and eventually work your way up to a professional.

Staff at a domestic violence or sexual assault program, a police officer, a teacher or counselor, your priest, minister or rabbi, a doctor or nurse, a district attorney, and victim witness advocates are all people willing to help.

Abusive relationships are an ongoing problem, and the only way to start diminishing the problem is to seek help. It is also important to help someone if you know they are experiencing relationship abuse. Abuse — physical, emotional or sexual — has no place in love.

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On the Net: Family Violence Prevention Fund: www.endabuse.org.

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