There are a myriad of reasons why one should exercise regularly. With the opening of the new and improved Klotsche Center, there is no better time to get motivated and get your butt into one of Milwaukee’s finest workout facilities.

As a one-time Bally’s personal trainer and life-long workout fanatic, I am familiar with the ins-and-outs and do’s-and-don’ts of a gym. Therefore, I feel it is high time to remind the public about some basic gym etiquette rules.

Before I begin, however, I would like to remind some of you that Klotsche is pronounced phonetically “Klot-shee,” not “Klotch-ky” — so enough with this Klotch-ky nonsense!

Bubbler etiquette (that’s water fountain for all you Milwaukee-come-lately’s):

• If you are filling up a water bottle at the bubbler but there is somebody behind you without a bottle, let that person go first — especially if said person is panting and sweating profusely.
• Do not spit in the bubbler — it’s disgusting.
• Do not spit your gum into the bubbler. If you do, pluck it out.
• Do not suck on the bubbler while drinking.

Basic locker room etiquette:

• Do not spread all of your stuff out on the benches. Other people need to use the bench too.
• If you are naked, put a towel on the bench before sitting. Nobody wants your booty germs on the bench.
• When not showering, wrap your towel around your waist. Don’t strut around the locker room with your towel slung across your shoulder so that everything is showing.
• It’s OK to wash your private parts while showering — just don’t do it too aggressively because it looks like you might be … well … you know.
• You’re not at home, so don’t pee in the shower. Even if you think you are alone, Just. Don’t. Do. It!

Hygiene etiquette

• We are human, we get B.O., but if your B.O. is palpable within a one-foot radius, you need to use more deodorant, you stinky sonofagun.
• If you sweat in your workout gear and then stuff it in a gym bag, don’t leave the bag in your car to marinate and then wear the same gear again — it’s gonna stink. Wear fresh workout gear every time you workout. Duh!
• When you exert yourself, it is helpful to exhale. There are ways to exhale, however, without blowing your putrid breath into the face of the person nice enough to spot you. Learn how to do it.

Equipment use etiquette

• If you are using a machine or some dumbbells, a bench, etc., and somebody asks you how many sets you have left, offer to let them work in with you.
• Don’t use multiple weights or machines for supersets when the gym is crowded. Who do you think you are to hog all the equipment?
• Similarly, if you are muscular or in great shape, it doesn’t mean your workout is more important than somebody who is not in good shape or doesn’t know his or her way around the gym. Act accordingly.
• If you are, say, using the squat rack to hold a barbell so that you can do bicep curls and somebody wants to use the squat rack for squatting, move your butt — you can do curls anywhere, but the other person can’t squat anywhere. This rule applies to other similar situations.

Miscellaneous etiquette

• Don’t give unsolicited workout advice to complete strangers (unless they are doing something that could result in serious injury).
• If you are male and you give unsolicited advice to a female — other than looking like a know-it-all a-hole — it will also be obvious to her that you have an ulterior motive. So don’t think you’re being sly.

I can’t think of anything else to rant about, so to all of you reading, I hope you have great workouts!

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