Everyone I know has been through a dry spell. I just relieved myself of mine through a little mutual masturbation via phone sex.

Phone sex is virtually the safest sex one can have, seeing as the two (or thanks to conference calling, many) are not even in the same room, let alone close enough to cause pregnancy or STD transfer.

Your phone sex partner doesn’t have to be someone you know well, it could be someone you don’t know at all — thus 900 numbers. Luckily, there are enough horny people out there that you most likely won’t have to pay for it.

When I was younger, I used to have phone sex with long-distance male friends just for kicks. Although I never took it seriously, I did thoroughly enjoy the thought that my words could have that effect on a man.

This was enticing, but quickly got boring when faced with the option of having physical sex with another person!

I rediscovered this personal gratification art form a few days ago by accident. I was drunk after bar close (shocker!) and I called this guy I have been flirting with and talking to and find attractive. He had also been drinking.

I asked him if he wanted to come over, warning him that if he did, he would have to put out.

He declined. He was too drunk to drive, and I don’t own a car. We were at an impasse, seeing as he lives in the Third Ward and I live on the East Side.

This was starting to suck, until I jokingly asked if the panties I was wearing, having a cherry on them, were false advertising. He laughed and asked if that was all I was wearing.

This may sound silly and uncomfortable, but it was hot. There was no need for a condom, no awkwardness the next morning, no muss, no fuss, just mutual orgasm. It rocked.

As a bonus, if I did date this guy, we hadn’t actually had sex yet, so there would be no problems with him viewing me as the girl who puts out too quickly. More importantly, we didn’t have to worry about our bodies being compatible. Our words were.

Phone sex is a forgotten expression of love, lust or pure horniness. This is sad, due to the fact that no one can consider this unhealthy (OK, no one with even a slight bit of sense). If this seems strange to you, try having phone sex sometime with someone you love who is out of town. This is actually quite pleasurable.

My situation was different, however, as I had just met the guy, and we had just started talking. Did I jump the gun? I did, I think.

It seems strange to me that phone sex could be going too fast in the beginnings of the just-getting-to-know-you, don’t-even-know-if I-want-to-date-you stage.

I was out at the bar the next evening (see a pattern here?), chatting with the nice man next to me when my phone sex buddy walked in. It took a second to recognize him, as I had never seen him with a hat.

When he looked in my direction, I waved, in a friendly way. He didn’t return my wave. I don’t know if he noticed the wave, but he certainly noticed me.

Shouldn’t a guy wait to snub a girl until he actually gets to see her naked? Yes, we had some form of sex, but he has never even touched me! I have learned over the years that some guys just want sex, and you won’t ever hear from them again. This doesn’t seem to be a situation like that.

This guy never even laid a hand on my thigh, got what he wanted and disappeared. Damn you, you wonderful phone sex, for ruining it!

Screw it; he probably wasn’t as good in person as he was in my imagination anyway.

> Comments