After all the frustration and stress of the job, you’re handed the opportunity to actually scream back at the patrons you serve. Why run?

There are more restaurants with birthday songs than the number of days birthdays fall on in a year, and all of them are obnoxious, embarrassing and sung off-key. But I love every one of them!

The singing of a restaurant birthday song is the perfect outlet for a server’s stresses of the job. Although for most it gets old quickly, I’ve always embraced the opportunity for a good birthday screaming and a chance to elicit a genuine, or mortified, smile.

My personal favorite birthday song at a restaurant:

[clap … clap … clap]
“This is your birthday song.
It isn’t very long.”
[clap … clap … clap]

At one restaurant, in order to start the song, one server, usually me, screams at the top of his or her lungs, “Brownie on three, one, two, three!” It’s like a conductor and his symphony, only the conductor has no hands and the symphony is blind.

Every server attempts to join as one voice to shower the birthday boy or girl, shouting:

“Oh, what you want, oh!
Babe we got it, oh!
What ya need, oh!
You know we got it!
‘Cause what we’re givin’,
This little piece of brownie on your birthday, baby!
C’mon! C’mon! Brownie on your birthday!
Woooo!”

I’ve never understood the concept of something like this being embarrassing. The uniform, plastic name tag and apron are like a permission slip to do anything with regard to birthdays, and not be judged.

Most servers are quick to dodge out and make a restroom or cigarette run in lieu of having to croon at customers. This I do not understand. After all the frustration and stress of the job, you’re handed the opportunity to actually scream back at the patrons you serve. Why run?

The opportunity to get laughs from those accompanying the birthday boy or girl is priceless. In the case of little kids, the crying that ensues makes me feel like I truly have accomplished something in life, especially after the parents glare.

More so than that, you truly have the opportunity to make someone’s day (especially when you’ve had a really cool or fun table).

By all means, take your friends to a restaurant that sings and offers free dessert to the birthday boy or girl. Speaking of that, something that always seems to happen at every restaurant is repeat birthday boys and girls. Not just in the same year, but in the same week.

Yes, it’s a means to obtain free dessert, but it’s lying (and annoying) to do so. It’s also a bad idea if you have the same server serving you on your multiple birthdays.

I personally have no shame bringing this up after singing the song and quieting the restaurant in the process.

“Sir, how old are you today? On Monday, you turned 23, now that it’s Wednesday, you’re 24? My God, aging like that — assuming you live to be 80 — you’ll die on March 15 of this year. Isn’t that a pleasant thought? At least you’ll get 112 more birthday brownies.”

Your demise is a cause for celebration, so let’s celebrate on three.

One, two, three:

“There’s a party going on right here, woop! woop!
A celebration to add another year, woop! woop!
So bring your good times, and your bad times too,
‘Cause we’re going to celebrate your birthday with you!
Woooo!”

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