I am ready to tell the whole world about my sexuality, loud and proud: I am attracted to women.

Everybody, I have an announcement to make. I wanted to wait until everyone was here for Thanksgiving because I have big news.

Hey, will somebody wake up Aunt Hank?

OK, good. Now I have something I want you all to hear, but before I tell you, I just want to let you know that I love you all very much and I will continue to, regardless of how you accept this — especially you Dad, and Dad #2.

All my life I've known something inside of me was bursting to come out. It left me confused and, often, very frightened. Whether I was in school or in the locker room with the guys after figure skating, well, I just felt out of place.

But now is the time to speak the truth: Dad, Dad #2, Aunt Hank, Uncle Rose, D'wade, Steven … I'm straight!

Yes, I'm straight. I have come to terms with it and you will have to as well. In fact, I am ready to tell the whole world about my sexuality, loud and proud: I am attracted to women. Yes, women.

Dad, Dad #2, it's not your fault. There was nothing you did wrong raising me. What am I supposed to do? Go on pretending to be gay?

Listen up: as soon as this weekend is over, I am cutting my faux-hawk, quitting my job at The Gap and moving as far away from this sexual prison they call San Francisco. I think I will go down south, maybe Alabama.

Oh, you think you can keep me here? Why won't you just let me live my life? If you think I'm going to stay in this house, well, you are wrong, misters! I'm going to see the world — football games, eating contests, arm wrestling.

Hah! Now you're kicking me out. So typical. Yeah, Dad #2, you just walk away now.

Well, what did you want me to do — fall in love with some Jason Mraz look alike and become a flight attendant? I just don't do dudes.

Remember Sarah, the kind of cute girl with sort of frizzy hair who could, like, be super-cute if she just dressed more proportionately to her body shape? Yeah, I did her … right on top of your bedspread!

Oh, I'm just getting started. There was Nicole, who thought I was gay and came over for make-up tips; did her. Becky; did her twice rocking out to “Iron Maiden.” Candy; well, she was just some slut, definitely did her! Coline, met her at a sports bar; did her. Yeah, I go to sports bars — meet hot chicks there all the time. Oh, just shut up Aunt Hank, or should I say Aunt Mank!

What about Gary? What about Gary? No, he was never my boyfriend! I just hung out with him because he always had weed. Shut up, I only told you I liked his butt so I could stay out later on weekends.

Don't you see what you're all doing? You're oppressing me for being who I am!

Hypocrites! How were you treated when you came out, Dad? How were you treated when you were caught kissing a picture of John Wayne, Dad #2? I mean, how were you treated when you changed yourself into a man so you could marry Aunt Hank, Uncle Rose?

Times are changing, queers! And if you need to hold on to the past, and cling to your Liberaces and your Sigfried & Roys, well, well … that's just gay!

It's a straight revolution — we're taking back this America — and you and you and you, you'll all be drinking Bud and watching Bill O'Reilly in your briefs before you know it.

You think that's funny D'wade? Hey, I'm not joking. There's a million other guys out there just like me, ready to mobilize and march. Ryan Seacrest is the first to die! We're taking it back, we're taking it all back.

And you know what you can take back, Dads? You can take back the tuition for ballet school; you can take back the pink Subaru; you can take back the bike pants, the body-waxing, the jean jackets — I don't need any of it!

All I need is my hunger for nachos and poonanny, and I'm out of here. I'm gonna pick up chicks, become a mechanic and change the world — you'll see!

So goodbye, wussies, and happy Thanksgiving!

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