Too much jewelry is a sign that jewels are lacking, or maybe even missing, elsewhere.

For a straight woman, a night out with her friends can quickly turn into a night she wishes she had decided to stay home if she has the misfortune of being approached by a “toxic straight man.”

Toxic straight men are the types of men no straight woman in her right mind — sober or drunk — should ever waste a minute smiling at or conversing with at a bar or club, let alone making out or — yikes! — going home with.

Distinguishing the truly toxic straight men from many other iffy men at bars can be difficult, but this guide to the top 10 types of toxic straight men should help. They are not listed in any order, as all types can be equally vile.

1. The guy wearing more jewelry than you would. Unless he’s Mr. T, no straight man should be wearing much more than one, or maybe two, small subtle pieces of jewelry (watches not included). Too much jewelry is a sign that jewels are lacking, or maybe even missing, elsewhere.

2. The old guy. This guy is noticeably older than the rest of the guys in the room, and he is probably dressed in the same style he was 10 or more years ago when he would have been age-appropriate in this setting. It doesn’t matter how rich, complimentary or mature he is compared to other guys you know. Anyone wearing a Life Alert pendant is off limits.

3. The guy who can’t dance but thinks he can. No, he’s not drunk, handicapped or having a seizure. He is trying to dance, and it isn’t pretty. Don’t just avoid this guy, make sure you are at least 20 feet away from him at all times to prevent getting knocked unconscious by his flailing arms.

4. The guy with his date/girlfriend/fiancé/wife. This one should not require any further explanation, but the sad truth is a lot of straight women like men who are off-limits. The biggest problem with this guy is not that he is hitting on you while his significant other is in the bathroom, it’s the fact that his idea of a date is taking his woman to a bar. Ugh.

5. The guy who is willing to spend a small fortune on drinks. If he’s buying them for himself, the guy’s liver is probably ready to give out and his shrink is probably across the bar from him, drinking herself into a stupor after one of his sessions. If he’s buying lots of expensive drinks for you or some other woman, he knows the only way he will keep a woman around for more than 30 seconds is to get her drunk. Move along.

6. The guy wearing bright white shoes. Don’t ask. Just trust me on this one.

7. The guy drinking a cosmopolitan. The same goes for the guy drinking a Sex on the Beach, a daiquiri or an amaretto sour. Either he is a gay man pretending (not so convincingly) to be straight, or he is such a wimp that a flip of your hair will knock him over. So flip that hair and walk away.

8. The guy wearing the shirt made of unidentifiable material. Is it silk? Polyester? Rayon? Papier-mache? Don’t stand near him long enough to find out.

9. The guy in the business suit who arrives at happy hour and is still sitting alone at bar time. This guy’s life sucks, and he probably won’t, if you know what I mean.

10. The guy who looks familiar but you don’t know why. You either slept with him and it wasn’t memorable, or he tried to sleep with you and you already rejected him. If he was worth remembering, you would. And he might look familiar because he is such a conformist, he looks like all the other flip-flop-, jean- and button-up-shirt-wearing guys who seem to be taking over the East Side. Bo-ring!

Maybe in the future, when society realizes the danger these types of straight men are to straight women, they can be marked like trees that need to be cut down. Until then, women will just have to cut them down to size on their own by avoiding them.

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