[Editor's Note: This editorial content is satirical and should not taken seriously. It is merely printed in jest in celebration of April Fool's Day.]

UW-Milwaukee is looking to the heavens to solve its financial woes.

Recently, UWM has been facing a budget deficit. In order to keep the school out of the red, there have been cuts in programs as well as freezes in the salary of faculty and staff.

The deficit is a result of a major cut in funding from state. The state only carries about 25 percent of UWM’s budget; thirty years ago, the university had state funding over 75 percent. When economic times are bad, money is cut, and when the economy improves the funding doesn’t return.

In anticipation of further cuts in the future, UWM is looking for a permanent solution.

“Becoming a private university just makes sense,” UWM Vice Chancellor Tom Luljak said. “It seems inevitable that it will happen anyway.”

Transforming from a public university into a private university requires several decisions. The first step is determining the deity, or deities, to which the school will dedicate itself.

As part of ongoing discussions with the faculty, Chancellor Carlos Santiago has created the “Monetary Efficiency in Education Koan,” (M.E.E.K.) to research which spiritual path would be the best for UWM.

“There is a lot that goes into deciding which theological path the university adopts,” Professor of Theology/Economics and Chair of M.E.E.K Constantine Heizenberg said. “We need to find which denomination will maximize our return.”

One of the possible routes would be Roman Catholicism. Traditionally, Roman Catholic schools do quite well in terms money made from tuition, as well as contributions by alumni and members of the Church. However, as of now UWM is leaning away from this option, as Milwaukee already has Marquette University, which may have the Catholic denomination cornered.

Religions not being considered are those which come from the eastern world. Though petitioned for by members of the community, the lack of income in many of these religions has the M.E.E.K. running scared.

Heizenberg and her colleagues have been considering other less conventional religions.

Mormonism has been considered. Heizenberg is particularly interested in those practicing polygamy.

“Multiple wives mean more children,” Heizenberg said. “Quite often, especially with private universities, family legacies are formed. This is a great way to lock in future generations of donation-making alumni.”

In anticipation of future popularity, there have been discussions about UWM becoming the first Scientology University. Scientology is one of the fastest growing religions and UWM would have virtually no competition.

“Not only is it growing, but it is becoming very popular amongst celebrities: Kirstie Alley, Beck, John Travolta and the guy who played Hyde on That 70s Show just to name a few,” Heizenberg said. “Hollywood money could do wonders for the school.”

However, there will be some changes to the school, as well as to the administration when UWM goes private. For example, the smokers’ patio at the Sandburg will be turned into a prayer grotto. Additionally, the water in the fountain near Golda Meir Library will be diverted to flow from the mouth of a large cement angel.

While there will be no chancellor at the new private UWM, Carlos Santiago will remain head of the university. Instead of the retaining the chancellor title, Santiago will be ordained as a minister of whichever religion UWM chooses. Santiago discussed the impact that becoming a private university will have on students.

“In dealing with day to day business, and especially in times of conflict such as the protest incident that occurred earlier this month, maintaining the rights of students can be very difficult,” Santiago said, as he browsed ceremonial hats worn by various religious leaders on the internet. “Student rights are very different in a privately funded school. Simply put, they have none.”

The Vicar Santiago is currently searching for online courses that will ordain him in the chosen faith of the university. Provided Santiago receives proper spiritual guidance, he should be able to graduate on time.

Furthermore, UWM will be changing its official name, as it will no longer be part of the UW-School System. The university is currently shopping around for prospective sponsors.

The names currently on the table for the new UWM include “The Miller High Life Institute of Technology” and “College, Brought to You by Verizon Wireless.”

“Universities, like hospitals and schools, are businesses,” Luljak said. “If the state does not want to be responsible for education, then someone else will be.”