[Editor's Note: This editorial content is satirical and should not taken seriously. It is merely printed in jest in celebration of April Fool's Day.]

Undergraduate student Barry Doeye was amazed last week, when he reported that a UW-Milwaukee academic advisor actually provided a straight answer to one of his questions.

“It was astounding,” Doeye said, in an interview with the Post at the Burger King in the union.

“I asked him this question, and he was like – boom, here’s your answer,” Doeye said.

Doeye noted that the occurrence caught him completely off guard, since it was not something that he was used to.

“I’ve taken, like, 3 different yoga classes and, like, 3 different bowling classes,” Doeye said. Doeye has also been able to hone his ping-pong and badminton skills to an almost Olympian degree while at UWM.

“My advisor recommends these types of classes every time anything comes up that poses a problem, like, not having enough credits for financial aid, or my required classes not being offered,” Doeye said.

For the past 12 consecutive semesters, Doeye has been attempting a degree in molecular biology. However, each time that he must sign up for classes, his advisors are either out of the office, fail to respond to emails and telephone calls, cannot answer his questions, or simply provide half-answers and shoddy advice. Doeye’s program requirements have changed seven times during his tenure.

“When I have gotten in the past, if I ask a question or something like that, I usually get the card or the phone number for someone else I’ve never talked to,” Doeye said.

Doeye then proceeded to empty his wallet onto the table, out of which fell a flurry of UWM business cards and scraps of paper with email addresses that had been scrawled in hurried handwriting.

Furthermore, Doeye currently holds a doctorate in molecular technology from Harvard University. Unfortunately, upon his admission, none of his credits were transferrable to UWM.

“I mean, I know it’s a university and all,” Doeye said. “I mean, can you blame these people? They must totally have their hands full with all these students. I guess I’m just not asking the right questions.” He then took a big bite of his triple whopper with extra cheese.

When Doeye came to the university, he said his admissions process was a breeze.

“I mean, they accepted me like that,” Doeye said. “It was just, well, when it came down to particulars, things got a little fuzzy.”

Doeye went onto describe how his initial advisor had encouraged him to take advanced calculus, advanced chemistry, advanced engineering and advanced parapsychology during his first semester.

“I kind of had second thoughts about all that advanced stuff,” Doeye said. “Once the semester started and I tried to drop two classes and replace them with regular level classes, I couldn’t see my advisor and then my advisor said that my schedule wouldn’t permit the changes. I ended up losing some money to the university.”

Doeye produced his first semester schedule to illustrate his point, during which he ended up enrolling in, upon his advisor’s recommendation, cross-country skiing, mountain climbing, bicycling, Tae-Bo and trade show sale sciences.

“The trade show sale sciences class really helped me in that I was able to get really good at trying to pin down my advisors when they would give half-answers and stuff like that,” Doeye said.

When asked what the question was that his advisor was able to answer, Doeye smiled.

“I really had to go to the bathroom, and he totally told me where it was,” Doeye said.