[Editor's Note: This editorial content is satirical and should not taken seriously. It is merely printed in jest in celebration of April Fool's Day.]

UW-Milwaukee’s Norris Health Center reported a 92% increase in Carpal Tunnel Syndrome diagnoses for the year 2009. A study has shown that the spike in cases is directly related to excessive texting.

The recently released study also finds an increase in reported head contusion and other related injuries due to inattentive walking while texting on and around the UWM campus.

“In all my years as a nurse, I have never seen such a dramatic jump in reported cases of any aliment, let alone Carpal Tunnel,” Norris Nurse Practitioner Ellen Buggy said.

Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, or Texting Syndrome as it is being referred to in the medical world, occurs when the median nerve is compressed at the wrist, causing acute pain and numbness, Buggy said.

“Though Carpel Tunnel traditionally is caused by excessive typing, it is more and more common to result from texting these days,” Buggy said.

“Its just a shame because most of the cases reported are from kids barely 20 years old, just starting their college career,” Buggy said, cringing slightly.

Lisa Brown is a freshman at UWM who admits she has had an addiction to texting since she was 16. “I just can’t stop … I know it is just as easy to have a real conversation with someone, but I would much rather text,” Brown said.

The pain in Brown’s wrists began shortly after her 17th birthday and has proceeded to get worse. “It is amazing how fast the pain came and how much the pain has gotten worse,” Brown said. “It has only been a year since I first remember the shooting pain, and now I can barely ball my fist, let alone text.”

Aside from physical pain, Brown noted there is also a monetary price to texting. “I have exceeded my allotted texts every month. Last month I set a new record with 11,000 texts,” Brown said.

Patrick Patty rubs the quarter size bump on his forehead where he ran into a light pole while texting and walking. “I didn’t even know what happened,” Patty said. “One minute I was texting my roommate about the breakfast I just ate, and the next minute I’m on the ground looking up at paramedics,” Patty said.

Patty added that he now suffers from intense headaches and memory loss. “The other day I forgot to watch Tool Academy on VH1 … That’s my favorite show aside from Jersey Shore,” Patty said.

“This is a serious concern,” Buggy added. “Minor head damage can really affect one’s memory and every day activities.”

She also pointed to the fact that Carpal Tunnel Syndrome can stunt future job opportunities, and even the rest of ones College career.

“I strongly suggest everyone cutting back on texting. I think going back to regular face-to-face conversation would do us all good,” Buggy said.